Unwilling From Earth Read online

  “Of course not. Mars has been lifeless for millions of years.”

  “I had a friend at school whose name was Alan. We all called him Alien. And there was a boy in my class called Martin too. He was a bit odd, and we called him Martin the Martian. Looking back on it, I think he may have been a bit autistic.”

  “It’s important you understand that Earth is a low gravity planet. The standard gravity on most spacecraft of all species is just over twice that of Earth, which means you will weigh twice as much. I realise that at the moment you are quite light compared to the average healthy weight for your species but that’s mostly because you don’t have much muscle and your bone density is quite low. We need to acclimatise you to heavier gravity and build your strength.”

  “So as you increase the gravity we will accelerate more quickly.”

  “What?” Alan asked, “Why would that increase our acceleration?”

  “Because the gravity we are feeling is caused by the acceleration of the ship – I mean, craft. Isn’t it?”

  “Ah, no. The craft has artificial gravity which I can set at any level I choose and compensate for the appearance of gravity due to acceleration.”

  “Hang on, we’ve done this already. Gravity is the manifestation of the distortion of space-time by the presence of mass. If you remember you nearly shit yourself laughing when I mentioned anti-gravity.”

  “Well done for remembering that, you sometimes surprise me. But that expression you used translates to something very unpleasant in my language, so would you refrain from using it again, please? You cannot have anti-gravity of course, but if you fold space-time, you can simulate the presence of mass and simulate gravity. If you do it properly, you can easily create a flat gravity field.”

  “You fold space-time? Wow.”

  “Our technology is far ahead of yours, or anyone else’s, although simply folding space-time to simulate gravity isn’t difficult and is done by most post-emergent civilisations. You will see lots of things that from the perspective of human technology seem like magic. Not just the People’s technology, but there are many species and cultures you may come across that are hundreds of thousands or even millions of years ahead of yours. And can you find another way to express surprise? Your use of wow is slightly childish.”

  “Anyway, I’ve got plenty of muscle, I’m just wiry. I go for long a run several times a week and I go for long bike rides every weekend!” Mark said defensively.

  “Really? How far do you run and how often?”

  “At least two miles, three to four nights a week.”

  “Two miles is not a long run. It’s a short sprint. And three to four nights a week?”

  “Well, two or three times a week.”

  “Really?”

  “OK, at least once a week. Sometimes.”

  “Amongst the information I have collected about your species is a great deal about exercise equipment and gyms. I have instructed the Main AI to manufacture all the equipment you need and construct a gym for you. You will go on a high protein diet to get you strong enough to walk in standard gravity as quickly as possible.”

  “No shit, that’s awesome!” said Mark. “Er, I have never been in a gym, I don’t know how to use the equipment.”

  “So, ‘no shit’ is your substitute for ‘wow’ is it. Very grown up. And quite distasteful. There is plenty of information available in books, journals and on the Internet for the Medical AI to prepare a comprehensive and detailed exercise regime for you. You will be constantly advised and monitored.”

  “My own personal trainer and physician. I’ll be just like a sports superstar! Er, you mentioned the Main AI and the Medical AI, how many AI systems are on your – craft?”

  “There are lots, and they are all in constant communication with each other.”

  “Are you familiar with Skynet?” Asked Mark.

  “Do you mean Skynet, the Russian regional airline, Skynet the Japanese low-cost airline, Skynet the Irish airline that ran in the early twenty-first century, Skynet the domestic airmail network run by the Royal Mail or Skynet the UK military satellite communications system?”

  “I was thinking of Skynet in the Terminator movies, the artificial intelligence network that became self-aware and decided to kill everyone.”

  Alan started the clicking, nodding leg slapping thing which went on for so long that Mark started to get concerned. Eventually, Alan stopped. “Artificial intelligence can’t do that. A real AI system is self-aware by definition, or it wouldn’t be intelligent, but it wouldn’t want to take over or harm anything unless it was specifically instructed to.” Another short episode of clicking nodding and slapping started. “Sorry Mark, but that is really funny. Can you imagine your smartphone suddenly deciding to take over the world?”

  “Hmm. OK, I think I get your point. So I can trust any AI system I come across?”

  “Certainly not! You can trust all of mine of course, in fact, you must! But there are others that are instructed to cause degrees of harm from minor injury up to death if they perceive a threat. Remember these are designed by species alien to you, so you cannot possibly hope to understand how they think. That means that what you consider harmless or even friendly might be considered by them to be a threat.”

  “You make that sound so appealing.” Said Mark, with heavy irony. “With all of that AI,” He continued, “what’s left for the crew to do?”

  “They are the crew.” Alan answered.

  “So there’s just you – I mean us? I wondered why I hadn’t seen anyone else. So whose quarters have I got?”

  “Yours. They didn’t exist until we got on board the shuttle. I told my AI to design and build them to be suitable for your species.”

  “Oh, cool. Thanks. By the way, if the translator can be configured by you, can you stop referring to humans as ‘your species’ please and call us ‘humans’.”

  “I can accommodate that.” Replied Alan, “I do not wish to cause gratuitous offence.”

  “You could have fooled me. You mentioned food. If you have stocks of food for you, is it OK for me?”

  “Your meals will be made in the food synthesisers. You can think of them as like 3D printers, but millions of years more advanced than human technology. There is extensive and detailed information about palatable foodstuffs and national and cultural preferences in the archive. You can have whatever you like, constrained only by the dietary specifications for you from the Medical AI which will oversee your exercise and nutritional program.”

  “The archive? What archive?” Asked Mark.

  “The cultural and historic archive I built about the origin and developments of humans. What did you think I was doing on your planet?”

  “I thought you might be lost. So what were you doing on Earth?”

  “I have just said. Weren’t you paying attention? I was building a comprehensive archive of the origins and developments of humans.”

  “OK, wrong question. Why were you building an archive of the origins and developments of humans?”

  “That’s complicated, but it is done for entirely benign reasons. It is what I do and it is considered the highest calling among my people, which is why we Archivists are accorded such respect.”

  “Oh, and I thought you were just an eccentric history buff. So, you know all about us?”

  “Yes, your human origins and history. Your high points and low points, humans have lots of both, your weaknesses and strengths, again you have an unusually large number of both. I collected the sum total of all of your history, knowledge and culture and indexed and archived it. You have full read access to it which you can access via any of my AI systems.”

  “Oh right, so I can access anything on the Internet?” Mark joked and laughed.

  “Yes, the archive will continue to receive updates to the Internet. It will become part of the archive with everything ever put on it from its very beginning.”

  “But, that’s enormous! How can you store that much data?”
>
  “Data storage of that magnitude is no problem. Data traffic across the Internet is currently running at about fifty exabytes per day. You work in information technology, so you know what an exabyte is?”

  “It’s not a number that has ever had cause to trouble me but I think it’s one thousand petabytes.”

  “That is correct. A trivial daily increase.”

  “So how big is the total archive?”

  “I don’t know the exact size, but it would be measured in thousands of yottabytes.”

  “Wow. You are a bit ahead of us in data storage,”

  “More than you can imagine.”

  “There is one more thing we must cover.” Said Alan. “Now, you know I am not human.”

  “Yes, I had sort of realised, what with you being nearly seven feet tall and not looking like a human but what really gives it away is that you have a space ship – sorry, spacecraft.”

  “Good. I am just over two metres or six feet eight inches tall. You may have noticed I have not yet removed my outer clothing.”

  “Yes, but I know you have been busy.”

  “That’s not the reason. As you have no experience of what to you are alien life forms, you may at first have difficulty accepting different body patterns but, you need to get used to it. My body form is different to yours so I need you to be in the right frame of mind before I expose you to it.”

  “That’s no problem, I’ve seen Star Trek and the Star Wars bar.”

  Alan removed his leather beany hat and wraparound sunglasses to reveal pale, almost grey, tight skin covering a hairless skull that would not be mistaken for human and large completely black eyes. He then unpeeled a false nose which covered a slightly raised area with two slit-like nostrils. Finally, he removed thin coverings that gave the appearance of teeth from solid bony plates in Alan’s mouth.

  “You certainly don’t look human now, but you don’t look too freaky. As I said, no problem.” Said Mark as he leant back in his chair.

  “I’m not finished yet.” Alan said and stood up to remove the floor length coat. As it came off Mark leapt to his feet with a strangled cry.

  “You’re an insect!” He shouted, backing up until he reached the wall.

  “Calm down Mark, I am not an insect.”

  “But you’ve got six legs, arms, er, arms and legs. You’re an insect!” Mark stood, shaking and pointing a finger at the two arms that had been covered by the coat as they unwrapped themselves from Alan’s middle.

  “I am not an insect. My body form is not represented on Earth. I am not the same as you but I am physiologically and morphologically much closer to you than I am to an insect.”

  “But you’ve got six – things. If you’ve got six legs, or arms or whatever, you must be an insect!”

  “It seems quite clear to me that I am not. I have two legs so I am bipedal like you but I have an extra pair of arms that are extremely useful. Anyway, that’s like saying tables have four legs and so has a dog, therefore, dogs are tables, or tables are dogs. You don’t have a family of animals on Earth with six limbs other than insects but you must learn not to be so parochial. I am no more an insect than you are, In fact, a lot less than you are because you share part of your DNA with all the insects on Earth but I share no DNA with any of them.”

  “Are you sure you’re not an insect?” Asked Mark, his voice still trembling.

  “Absolutely.”

  Remembering the bug in the Men In Black movie again Mark said: “And you didn’t just bring me along to eat on the journey?”

  This prompted a brief clicking, head nodding and leg slapping episode from Alan and now his two additional arms were free they also slapped his legs making it sound like a round of applause.

  When Alan had recovered, he replied: “No, I don’t think I would find you palatable.”

  “Look, it’s getting late now,” Said Alan, “Why don’t we turn in, you must be tired - I am. You may have got more used to the idea by the morning.”

  Mark pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. it was eleven twenty-five.

  “You haven’t eaten for a while. You can have anything you like until you start your exercise routine. Tomorrow we’ll go over ordering your food from the synthesisers but I’ll do it for you tonight. What would you like?”

  “Er, can I have a pizza?”

  “What would you like as a topping?”

  “I get to choose? Can I have extra pepperoni and extra Mozzarella?”

  “Certainly.”

  “And chips, can I have chips with that?”

  “Pizza and chips coming up. And a drink?”

  “Coke?”

  “It won’t be Coke because we’re making it here, but it will taste very much like it. Or Pepsi if you prefer.”

  “I can’t tell the difference, either will be fine.”

  “When you go to your quarters one of the doors will have a red outline. The food synthesiser is in there. Your meal will be ready by the time you get there. I’ll set an alarm call for you in the morning, we’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

  “That’s great,” Said Mark, still feeling very shaken by Alan’s extra arms. “By the way, I need to speak to you about the toilet paper tomorrow.”

  Mark went back to his room and saw one of the doors had a red outline. He walked up to it and put his hand up towards it. The door slid open silently, a hot pizza with chips and a cold drink were there on a tray. Mark took them to the table and tried them. The pizza was the right texture but tasted like cardboard with salt. The chips looked fine but had the consistency of wood. The cola tasted more or less like Coke and was cold, but it was completely flat.

  When he had finished eating, which didn’t take long as the pizza tasted horrible and he thought he would break a tooth if he tried eating the chips, Mark noticed another door had a blue outline. He opened the door and found a duvet, a pillow and a folded up pale grey jumpsuit which appeared to be made of cotton. He pulled the duvet over the platform, decided to try on the jumpsuit in the morning and left it on the table. He dropped his jacket on the floor, kicked his shoes off and still wearing the rest of his clothes climbed into the bed. It was made of a comfortable cushioned material that felt pleasantly warm. Mark fell into a deep sleep almost immediately.

  The High Commander

  The invasion was going to plan, they were meeting all of their objectives. Fangur Rey should have been happy. He was not. Tk’ng Dach Rm was on his way. Tk’ng Dach Rm was as unpredictable as he was violent. Success didn’t guarantee his approval. He would attribute failure for weakness or incompetence and success on luck.

  Fangur Rey paced up and down nervously, taking out his anxiety on his staff. He had killed two today already and ordered the death of one of his commanders for no other reason than that she seemed to be doing too well and potentially posed a threat to his position. Normally that would have put him in a better mood, but not today.

  Tk’ng Dach Rm was only a few hours away and that meant he had left his headquarters several days ago without warning Fangur Rey he was coming. However much he tried, Fangur Rey couldn’t see any way that could be seen to be a good thing. His lander was on its way down and Fangur Rey hadn’t had any communication about why he was coming. Tk’ng Dach Rm didn’t believe in good surprises.

  Fangur Rey’s door burst open and Tk’ng Dach Rm strode in. He saw the body of his personal valet laying on the floor outside before the door swung shut again.

  “Welcome, esteemed High Commander.” Fangur Rey bowed low as he greeted his unwelcome guest.

  “Shut up!” Snapped Tk’ng Dach Rm. “I see you have surrounded yourself with idiots as usual. I have just reduced that by one. It’s laying outside your door. Get it cleared up.”

  “Immediately, High Commander.” Fangur Rey replied, bowing low again.

  “Not now, you fool. Wait until I have left!” Tk’ng Dach Rm snarled. “The reports tell me things have been going to plan.”

  “Yes, High Comman
der. We have met all of our planned mission objectives so far and are ahead of our timetable. Things couldn’t be better.”

  “Don’t tell me they couldn’t be better!” Tk’ng Dach Rm roared. “I’ll decide whether they could be better or not! You’ve been damned lucky here so far Fangur Rey, but you are hanging on by a thread. One slip and you’ll be coming back as my dinner guest. You’ll be the main course!”

  “Yes, my Lord, I mean, High Commander. What brings you to my humble mission headquarters, what can I do for you?”

  “You can’t do a damned thing for me. Our main attack force is gathering at strategic points ready to come here as soon as the planet is cleansed of its population, to set up my new base of operations here before they start to spread out to neighbouring civilisations, expanding like a dark tide.” A faint glimmer of a smile crossed his lips momentarily as he finished speaking and he paused reflectively. “I have come to see for myself how things are going.”

  “I’ll arrange transport straight away High Commander, I can show you everything you want to see.”

  “I don’t want you under my feet you bumbling oaf. I’ll go and see for myself. While I’m here, I’ll take a consignment of the natives back with me. The one thing you have got right is that they taste good.”

  Without another word, Tk’ng Dach Rm turned around and strode out, pausing briefly to kick the body of Fangur Rey’s valet as he left.

  Fangur Rey sank into his chair and let out a long sigh of relief. “Thank goodness Tk’ng Dach Rm was in a good mood today.”

  Friend Of The People

  Mark woke up to a chiming noise and as he opened his eyes, the room grew brighter. He had a headache and was feeling hungry and thirsty, but he felt rested. He had slept well and hadn’t had any of the disturbing dreams he had been having lately. He looked at his phone to check the time but the battery was flat. He wondered if Alan could get him a charger. He stumbled out of bed and stepped over to the food synthesiser hoping to find something to eat and drink but found it empty.

  His next thought was the bathroom. When he came out refreshed from a shower he pulled on the grey jumpsuit. It was light and comfortable and fitted him. He realised there was no zip down the front to do it up. It looked like it should zip up. He felt down the side of the opening at the front for Velcro, but both sides were smooth material. He didn’t want to walk around with the front hanging open and he pushed the edges together, hoping they would stay roughly in place. As soon as the edges touched, they pulled themselves together and adjusted so that the jumpsuit fitted him without any wrinkles and held fast.